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Saturday, November 7, 2015

ONE OF THEM AWKWARD MOMENTS

from air bellows gap road
 
Sofia is back to her perky self today. She seems to hold no resentment for taking her to that place where she got stuck twice. I know the first one hurt. It was a thick needle. She jumped when it penetrated her hip, jumped with intent to get away. I held her while the vet emptied the contents into her. I knew it hurt her so much I had to let her go enough to stand on her feet and be back in herself if for at least a few seconds. The next shot did not hurt her. She was drowsy when we arrived home. I felt like she would want to have a nap, imagining she ached all over. I took a nap. She naps when I do. She likes to be up when I'm up. I don't play with her all the time. Much of the time I'm sitting at the desk. Yet we communicate by eye contact, I talk to her, hold her when she wants to be held. We stay in mental touch all the time. I see a kitten needs another kitten to romp and tumble with. She's learning to entertain herself and plays by herself well. I enjoy watching her play. A playing kitten is one of the joys of this world. I do feel joy watching her antics. There is not much in this world that is more beautiful than a cat in motion.
 
from air bellows gap road
 
I've had something on my mind the last few days I would rather not be there, but it sticks around like it's wanting me to pay attention and I don't want to. A chance encounter Wednesday with somebody who used to be a kind of friend, who I realize is not, or if so, a very overbearing friend. Constant one-upmanship. My least favorite of the games people play. It gets tiresome quick to be talked down to like you're a damn moron, disrespect after disrespect, but if I do a payback disrespect, not acceptable. I'd not seen him for about three years. We used to have lunch together in town until one day I was sitting at the table thinking, why am I expected to take disrespect and think nothing of it, but can't give any disrespect in turn. So I challenged him on one of his bullshit remarks, his face puffed up like a red beach ball, he got up from the table and left. I said, Hooray, within, and gave self permission never to submit to his contrarian boasting in future. And I've not. I observe the truth in the saying, if you don't want it started don't start it.
 
from air bellows gap road
 
It was an awkward few minutes standing in the Food Lion parking lot, cars going by, people walking by. I had a bad itch to get out of there. I despise moments like that. I was being not unfriendly, was telling self not to be so hard hearted. He was talking around saying let's get together for lunch one day, and I never let him say it. I would have said no. Didn't want to. Awkward. About the first time he talks to me like I'm a fool, I'll talk to him like he's a fool. He's a keyboard and a minefield of buttons. That one would punch the volcano button, the one I've avoided in the past. One day years ago he told me I was a fool. I thought, do I bash you in the head with the nearest thing I can pick up or show mercy and save you from a severe headache? Next thing to mind was Jesus telling his inner circle never to call somebody a fool. I tell myself he doesn't know what the hell he's saying. He's so wrapped up in self, he's entitled. I've never got over being called a fool when it didn't bother me at all at the time. I thought it foolish of him to say it. It killed my respect for him, what little I had. Still, I find I squint my eyes when I think about it, the look that says I mean business. I saw Vada get her rear end popped for looking at her daddy with squinted eyes when he'd made her mad. Don't you look at me like that!
 
from air bellows gap road
 
I feel peace when I'm not around this kinda-friend. I say kinda as a qualifier. The time he walked away from the table, I was thinking of every time I drive home from one of our periodic lunches, I kicked myself in the ass all the way home imploring self, When are you going to get it? You voluntarily do this to yourself. He's not the problem. Your own ignorance is the problem. By this time it had come to the place that I was telling self I have control. I don't have to go. I realized kinda-friend's ego was out of bounds and allowed for it. Whose isn't? Some control it better than others.  I get with myself about love your neighbor, but the real deal was that he has worn me out with his ego in my face. I have taught self over time to pay attention to myself; I don't want to, so don't do it. It's easy. I found face-to-face the other day I have no spirit for him. I'm of an age that I don't feel like submitting to something I don't want to do when I don't have to. It is so much easier and costs one hundred percent less to stay home where a fun kitten lives.
 
from air bellows gap road
 
all photos by tj worthington
 
 
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