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Friday, November 20, 2015

GRUMPY OLD BASTARD

vada the fart putty zombie
 
In this lifetime, it looks like my life's purpose has been self-healing. I look at decisions made along the way that could have led down one path or another not taken. I have no ambition for money or status. A time came that desires, wants, fell away. By now, my motivations don't have much driving them. I am motivated to write these almost-daily jottings by my resolve to write something every day that is readable and may be worth reading. I've wanted to journal for decades, though in the times of keeping notebooks, I end up jotting notes to self that I never look at again. Writing in a journal lasts about three days for me. It seems pointless. I look at journal attempts from the past and find the writing barely readable it's so bad. When I write to self, it becomes more minimal by the day until I write nothing on the fourth or fifth day.  I write better when I write to somebody, you.  
 
grumpy old bastard fart putty zombie
photo by vada
 
A sorta-friend of the past found it necessary whenever we talked to make certain I understood he is superior to me in every way. I took it for his own psychological need having nothing to do with me, eventually. For some time, I would question self, What am I doing or saying or what attitude am I projecting to make him so defensive? He needs to convince me every time I see him that he knows more than I do, can do anything better than I can, knows what's really important while I only know what's partially important. I realized after some time that I am not provoking him to be defensive. He is already defensive and I just happen to be the other of the moment. I finally had to let him go when I realized I don't like him and never have. I've tried to like him because fate threw us together and I like to honor people fate throws me in with. It's the love your neighbor thing. I pay attention to it, but can't say I'm a better than average practitioner.
 
vada the fart putty zombie
 
I do believe loving one's neighbor, the other, important. I've come to see neighbor as anyone I'm interacting with conversationally, at a cash register, driving in traffic, as well as neighbors on the same road, all social interactions, you the reader. I take it to mean to be as forgiving with others as I am with myself. It's easy to forgive myself. So easy it doesn't even take the effort of a thought. Forgiving somebody else for the same thing is another matter. The times I catch self grumbling within over somebody said something I don't like, I can give self a good laugh saying, you would forgive it in yourself so spontaneously you wouldn't  even know you did it. So give somebody a break. Sometimes the aggravation falls away and sometimes does not. I continue to chew the cud of old aggravations and when I catch myself, it goes away. My mind grumblings fade when not given attention. Though like rock stars with stage charisma, they like attention and they're good at holding it.
 
grumpy old bastard fart putty zombie
photo by vada
 
This is something I have that is always there in the back of the mind, grumbling over something. One of my favorite things to grumble about is old white men my age who grumble all the time. There again, I laugh at my own and take somebody else's grumblings seriously. After learning to laugh at other people's grumblings, there is the thin line of laughing from derision or from the humor of it. I laugh at my own grumpiness with a tshirt and sweatshirt that say Grumpy Old Bastard. Again, I don't laugh with that kind of humor at somebody else's grumpiness. I'll note to self to make an exercise of this, to find the same humor in other old white men's grumpy minds as I find in my own. It's the Fake news channel grumpy mind I have the most difficult time tolerating. I don't argue with it, rather turn away in disappointment, as I would inside self if I caught myself thinking like Rush Limbaugh. I'd say, What got into you? Was that last bottle of moonshine you drank run through a radiator? Am I going blind?  
 
grumpy old bastard fart putty zombie
photo by vada
 
 
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