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Sunday, February 17, 2013


red-tail hawk

It is bitter cold the last couple of days and nights. The temperature did not touch 30 today. The floor is cold. I've let the venetian blinds down to lessen the cold coming through the window glass. Heat runs all the time. It's too cold to concentrate on anything. Reading is all right with feet up on footstool, a foot and a half above the floor. Caterpillar's food in the bowl on the floor is cold as the floor. Sometimes I wonder how she likes eating her food that cold. Then I realize she's done it all her life. She knows no other way. If I'd put it in the microwave to warm it up, she'd let it wait until it was cold to eat it. The floor is cold. I keep a heater by her two beds, one bed on either side of it. On days when it is this cold, I tend to want to stay in bed and sleep. But there comes a time I can't sleep any more and the bed gets boring and I have to get up and stir. I tried reading, but Caterpillar then sits on the floor beside the chair and meows at me until I give up reading and pick her up. She doesn't do that often, so I don't have a problem with it. Cat behavior. Get used to it or don't live with a cat. Hairballs and puke go with cats too. I always wear house shoes when I walk in the house at night. Stepping on a wet hairball barefooted is disgusting as seeing a picture of Ted Nugent.

My head is floating a variety of images. The image that comes to the front is one from dreams during a nap a couple days ago. Three times in three separate dreams during the same nap, I saw the red-tail hawk that maintains the territory of the mountain around my house. In the dream I saw the red-tail flying low over the meadow that runs to the east and the south of the house, maybe 10 to 20 feet above the ground, sailing with wings out, not flapping, sailing like the wind was pushing from behind, pushing the hawk through the air like a bullet. The hawk flew so fast it had a bit of a blur to it. Seeing it three times, exactly the same and in the same part of the meadow, I took it to mean pay attention. I picked up my book of the Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams, and looked up hawk. Hawk is said to be the messenger from the world of the grandfathers and grandmothers that lived before us. It is a call to pay attention to messages from the spirit and pay attention to omens. Hawk has a keen eye and a bold heart. Hawk flies close to the light of Grandfather Sun. In my symbolism, the Sun is my spiritual master, Meher Baba. It has to do with paying attention to messages from my Master, possibly some awareness is on its way to me at high speed. The hawk was not circling above, but sailing effortless and low, in a straight line, parallel to the ground, like an arrow. It wasn't like the hawk was hunting, rather enjoying the thrill of flying really fast.

Recently in weeks and months I've been feeling kind of bold of heart. Nothing much scares me and I have an ongoing attitude that anybody pushing me around will be pushed back. Though I know the spiritual path does not encourage revenge, I feel no problem being the active return on you-get-what-you-give. In this time of my life I want to be the active part of the return. I want to see the return and have an active involvement in it. I feel like if somebody threatens me they better be ready to back it up. I've never been like this before. It was threatened out of me in childhood and I never developed it as an adult. Though now, standing tall for myself feels like the natural next thing. It feels like it fits. I say to myself that it's not doing what Jesus said of turn the other cheek; it's not the Way for somebody on the spiritual path to act. Then I remind myself the spiritual path is not about being good. It is about being bad too. It is about the whole life experience, both sides of the coin. After spending so many years on my spiritual path looking to do "good" by it, I forget the human part of myself needs to breathe and stretch its muscles. Too often, I will not give my human self expression because I assess it not good for the spiritual path. My spiritual path is not about denying my humanity. It is about embracing my humanity, my forgetfulness, anger when provoked, my psychology, allowing myself to dislike somebody I can't stand.

That's it, allowing myself. I can allow myself to cuss a streak when something pisses me off. I feel it, so why not let it express freely. It's important to ease off of Xtreme vulgarity and hurtfulness when somebody else is around, not involve them in my own moment of allowing my humanity when it is not hurtful of anyone around me. If it is hurtful to me, I'm willing to take the return. I'm wondering if I'm in a time of my inner growth of allowing my humanity after several years of teaching my humanity principles of the spirit. I don't mean it to suppress my humanity. One evening several months ago talking with Justin, he asked what I thought God wanted of us. I took a moment on that one. Justin pays attention to what I say and I didn't want to lead him down a blind alley by some cliche I heard along the way. I wanted to give him the best answer I could find. First thing in my mind: God does not want. God allows. Then I saw it. I said, "God wants us to live our lives." How we live our lives is our concern. Free will. The word to live is the key. God is life itself, so living our lives, we act out God. I feel like it means to be actively engaged in one's own life. If I wanted to climb in the ring with Anderson Silva and get my ass kicked from here to yonder, I suspect God would say: do what you gotta do; don't worry, be happy.

The medicine cards interpretation puts emphasis on hawk circling high above looking at one's life from another perspective, seeing it from above. But my hawk was close to the ground sailing in a straight line, fast. No cries, no vocalizings. Just the red-tail of my mountain showing me something a hawk can do that I'd never seen before. I'm wondering if the hawk is suggesting more active engagement in my life, play, pedal to the metal, enjoy the thrill of flying really fast, close to the ground, watching it pass by in a blur having fun the way swallows have fun flying loops in the air. Maybe hawk is telling me to take my life by the reins and get-er-done. Play more. Spread my wings and sail on the love of the people I care about who also care about me. Allow love to be the air I fly on top-speed. Something is going on inside I don't see, but feel it all the time. It's an overwhelming feeling of love for the mountains and everyone around me. It's like a heart running over with joy. Much of the time when I'm with friends, I spend a lot of time wiping my eyes. They get wet and stay wet with tears of joy. When it's happening and I look within I see inside my skin the bright light of joy, like carrying wine in a leather pouch. It's like no matter what I'm thinking or feeling, that furnace of joy inside my skin is going. It's like my life energy. Perhaps the hawk's joy in flying fast was a messenger from my interior self showing me what I'm feeling deep inside where I can't see it so well.

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