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Thursday, December 2, 2010


standing rock

This evening after dark I sold the Toyota van and got it hauled off at the same time. Odd feeling. I loved that van. It was a good ride, drove like a go-cart, immediately responsive to the steering wheel. Good power with a good 4 cylinder Toyota motor. Only problem was an electrical short that could not be found. It was a curious feeling sitting on top of the front wheel where the turning occurs. It feels like riding out in front of the turning point like riding in a boat when it's turning. The same sensation. I'd wanted to sell it for a few years, but never made the effort. A guy came to the door wanting it for scrap metal. Go for it. All the parts on it are good. Only the electrical short makes it too much of a bother to keep up with, having to take the ground cable off the battery when I park at home.

I hope the buyer makes a bundle of money with it. He's a good guy, works hard to make an honest living. The van was a bother to me parked all the time, in the way. He can take it apart and sell an awful lot of parts. As he's in the buying and selling business, he'll be able to place the parts, and when he's done with the parts he can sell the shell for scrap metal. I'd have been happy to give it to him, but there needs to be the energy exchange and I felt like we met a fair price that was satisfactory to both of us. It won't run anymore with all the parts connected, but it will continue to run with all the parts scattered hither and yon, replacement parts on different machines. A heart here, a kidney there. Like somebody who wills their body to a medical school. That's something I like the idea of, but can't bear the thought of. I know it's not me, but it's a very personal outfit I wore for a long time and I don't like to think of it cut up with scalpels and my face lifted off the skull and medical students pulling eyeballs out of the sockets and snipping the cord with scissors. I prefer to think of it burning up in intense heat to "ash."

Having thoughts and feelings in this time that I've never entertained before. It's a withdrawal from involvement in other people's wranglings or being in other people's way. I'm not involved in commerce any more and have a very different pace from the people with cell phones clipped to their ears. After the winding down of the store to a halt, then the time with Jr winding down to a halt, seeing a cycle come to an end and the beginnings of a new cycle flowing from the one passing, all is looking good. I've found by this time in the life that I feel the best with other lovers of God. Doesn't have to be in a particular way or religion or anything. Lovers of God are all over the place and not necessarily where you'd expect to find them. I feel enveloped in love in a Primitive Baptist church, the place full of lovers of God. I don't mean it's all there is. It's just where I like to go when I go. There is a very great deal to be said for lovers of God getting together to sing and worship together. It's a powerful feeling when that's what is really going on.

I have found from experience that when a prayer is sent in need of some assistance in this world of one sort or another, millions of possibilities, when the answer comes, it is a lover of God bearing whatever the answer may be. When I'm feeling down and out, someone I know comes along by chance and turns out to be the key I needed to rise up out of the blues. It's a lover of God. When I was younger, I didn't even know things worked like this. A lifetime of hearing preachers and nothing like this is addressed that is actually preferential, even privileged treatment available to lovers of God. I believe it happens all the time and we don't notice. We pray for something. When it's needed it appears and we are happy because the prayer was answered, but don't take a moment to reflect on how it came about, who it came through. When I started paying attention, it turned into something so clear and obvious I wondered how I never saw it before.

I don't try to talk to people who are convinced God is a figment of the human mind and there is no such nonentity. I already know it means nothing to talk of matters of the spirit, because they don't believe there is spirit. I wonder what they think their own consciousness is. But it doesn't matter. People convinced there is no God look down on believers as less than gifted mentally. No point talking. Casting pearls before swine is how it was put in plain language by the one who knew what he was talking about. It's part of living on planet Earth in human form. I think it's really neat we have this mystical servant on call at all times for whatever we need. All we have to do is ask, meaning it from the heart, and there it is, whatever it is, when it's filtered through the all-knowing mind what will work just right.

I love the story of the guy that fell over the side of a boat. He's calling to God to help him. Somebody on the boat throws him a floating ring and he refuses it because God is going to help him. He's a devout believer. He drowns. In heaven he asks God why he let him drown. God said, I threw you a life ring. I feel deep down inside in a way I can't grasp with words that I can open within by allowing God's guiding hand to shape every minute of every day. It feels like this is actually on a near horizon. It feels like moments that are gifts from God happen more frequently because I'm noticing them; whereas before, I'd pay it no mind. It took a long time to come to realize things work that way. With an empirical education based in the scientific method, it takes some liberation from such thinking to be able to see the movings of the spirit, how to tell what it is when I see it. The more I see, the more I allow, and I do feel like I'm coming into a zone in myself where what I can only call "the flow" is a very real entity in my life, if it can be called an entity.


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