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Sunday, May 9, 2010


crystal and her clubs

A sun shining day, a little cool and a little breeze, a good day to go down the mountain to Austin to play a 9-hole course twice. I went along for the ride. Justin and Crystal. Sometimes I rode with one and sometimes the other. I watched them golf. It was fun. I never once felt the urge to ask for a chance to hit a ball. I learned half a century ago I can throw the club straighter and further than I could hit the ball. I learned I do not have the temperament for golf. Plus, I never saw the sense in paying so much to hit a ball on a gigantic lawn. It never took with me. Also, I'm a bit too lazy. I don't care enough about competitive anything to try to outplay somebody. I never liked the way I felt inside competing. I get so wound up that I have to win that when I don't it's devastating in such a way I have act like it isn't. I never learned in childhood how to take defeat well. It's like when I win it's no big deal, but it is when I lose. I think that is a characteristic of Taurus, as is the well-known stubbornness. It's that stubbornness and refusal to lose that got Jr out of the nursing home that intended to keep him against his will. Not in this bull's meadow.

At the concert last night, I saw Paul and Cornelia Reeves come in. I got up from my seat and climbed down some rather tall steps to shake his hand. An inner tsunami welled up in my eyes. When he asked how I was doing, I had to confess. I wasn't doing worth a damn. A few weeks ago missing Jr struck me down and I've been dragging bottom ever since, came to this entertainment to get out of my head for awhile. Paul was a good friend to Jr and he respected Jr for the same reasons I did. I saw over some years that Paul appreciated Jr as much as I did and more, because he was from Jr's world. His loyalty to Jr was supreme. When other people stopped coming by to see him, Paul came to see him right on up to the last day. In hospital or nursing home, Paul came by. Cornelia, as always, was looking good, one of the 3 best dressed women in Sparta. I've missed seeing Paul and Cornelia. I want to be getting back into a Primitive Baptist Church where I can see them, which is not the only reason. Paul and Cornelia are people special to me in ways I figure neither one of them would imagine. They are lovers of God in the very real sense. In my way of seeing, they're both people of character with ethical standards they live by. When I'm in a Primitive Baptist Church I feel what other people say they feel in a gigantic medieval cathedral. Instead of the great big space and artifacts all around, I like the small inward space of a simple meeting house and people none of whom is there to be seen or because it looks good on a resume.

Primitive Baptist would tend to frighten an employer as almost nobody outside the Primitive Baptists knows what they're about or what they're like, don't even know how they sing. I don't know that I could be a member, because I can't lock myself down to any one way of worshiping God with others. Good people. Like free will or not free will. How can I know when I don't understand either one? I've heard it explained very convincingly, but it still doesn't matter. I'm of the way that Love is what God's about, in fact, is. God is love. Love is God. As my friend Carole said, If God is incomprehensible, then love is too. Like there's no way you can define God in a few words or a multitude of words. The same applies to love. In a way, to say there is free will (Regular Baptist) and there is not free will (Primitive Baptist) is to name two facets of a God so multi-faceted it would be in the multiple trillions at least. There is love in giving a cutting from a plant to someone, or giving someone homemade bread. It's always received in love. It's not big dramatic, romantic love, but it's love nonetheless, a facet. It was when I understood that understanding equals love, I thought, I can do that. I was afraid of that great big word LOVE that at once is so overused it's meaningless and has the biggest meaning of any word. It's the 4-letter word you can say in front of mom.

I spent the day with friends who have a very real love going on between them I like to be around. I care about both of them and enjoy seeing them together. I'm glad for both of them they found each other, esp that he found she. I have a strong feeling they are twin souls who found each other. Crystal and Justin are at home with each other. When they're in each other's presence, they're where they are most comfortable. It was a good time riding around in golf carts with them, 9 holes twice, hunting golf balls, finding golf balls other people lost. The greens were so slow, I'd forgotten how slow a green can be. The greens were such that when a ball bounced on the green it slowed down considerably. Rolling, it was like there was a force working against allowing the ball to move. Troublesome greens for putting, because they held the ball back so much. Out in the fairways the ground was so hard the ball bounced like on cement. About had to drill a hole to get a tee in the ground.

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