Friend Crystal Smith had her baby 6:15pm, Monday, 30 May, in Elkin. I went to astrology sites and printed out 3 horoscopes from different sources for the child, Vada. They'll all tell the same story. Another one of my babies, Vada. Her daddy, Justin, was a child of friends I've known all his life. Now he's reproduced again and I have a new baby to watch grow. This is the first of the children of my friends I've see through to reproduction. A kind of grandbaby. I never wanted any of my own, but it is fun enjoying other people's babies and little kids. Curiously, I never wanted the responsibility, mainly out of fear that I don't know how I'd be as a daddy. Not much. It's a self-esteem issue that goes way, way back and took a long time to find balance. During the child-bearing part of my life, I know I was not fit to be a parent. Surely I must be, because everybody else seems to do it without thinking about it. I tend to think far ahead and that kind of thinking inhibits reproduction.
I suppose the basic reasons I don't want the responsibility is all that goes with it. The first thing that goes with it is to have steady income, the most I can make, all the way along, no lapses, no regrets, no wanting my own time. All the way back in childhood, I felt like the state of civilization is such that I don't want to add another number to the population explosion. It also takes wanting a companion for life, or for a part of it, anyway. I never wanted a companion. In childhood I knew I wanted to go it alone for the duration. There is enough uncertainty in this world going it alone. With 2, 3 and 4 others depending on my earning capacity, the thought of locking myself down to samo suburban living, working at a job I can't tolerate that I can't quit because of mouths to feed, insurance to pay, school expenses, when all I ever really wanted to do was get by on the least it takes.
I've never wanted to be a part of society, any society, or on the climb. I have the artist temperament, though no ambition to do anything with my art other than just do it. I have never liked selling paintings, because the money, no matter how much it is, always seems like nothing in relation to my friend I'll never see again, unless it goes to my friends. So I like for my friends to have my paintings. Not interested in galleries and all that goes with them, like parties where I'm expected to suck up to the rich and act like a dancing monkey. I only want my friends to have my paintings. Something that might sell for $1000 in a gallery I'd get $500. I'd rather sell them to my friends for $500.
For example, I gave 2 paintings to Justin and Crystal for their new house. If I was represented by a gallery, I wouldn't be allowed to give any of them without money involved. On my own, I can do anything I want. Justin and Crystal, both, are among my closest friends; they are at their beginnings, don't have money for frills such as art, and are making the most of what they have. All the time Justin was growing up, I never dared hope he would fall into such a healthy adult life. I didn't dare dream so much for him. The much I'm talking about is Crystal. She loves him like crazy and he loves her the same. Her mother and dad love Justin in a wide-open embracing way. His mother's new husband and his family all receive Justin as one of them. He is completely encircled by love, several layers of circles. Though he's not my biological own, I claim him as a spiritual brother, possibly several past lives in differing relationships.
As my spiritual brother, I feel tremendous gratitude to God for hearing my prayers all along Justin's way, especially for setting up his relationship with Crystal. The selection of the house that appeared by apparent chance is as perfect for the couple as each is for the other. The house has a powerful good vibration about it. It's an excellent house for a young couple to start their adventure through life in. I've wondered if the good feeling of restoring the house to new with friends helping in various steps along the way has filled the house with good energy. But it feels like more than that. The energy in the house doesn't feel like passive love vibration, but almost like a beating heart itself. The first day they moved their furniture and other stuff in, the house felt lived in. The cat took to the house immediately. Justin said she ran down the hall of smooth hardwood floor he'd put down, fell over on her side and slid a ways. I feel at home when I walk in the door. They do too. It was instant home feeling.
I wonder if it could be that the former buyers had a loving relationship at home. If they had that much love for each other and lived in the house together happy as partners to such an extent that their love became the house's energy, soaked into the walls, floors, ceilings and the space between. This baby has been born into a treasure chest of love. I'm seeing that Justin's path is the path of love. I'm happy to see he's comfortable receiving love and giving. This was the sort of thing I prayed for in his life, not that he have a lot of money and property and position. That his life be buoyed up on a sea of love. And there it is. I want to do for them and the baby all I can. As well as the other kids, Landon and Shayann. Landon at age 3 has the very same spirit Justin had at that age. It's like seeing Justin little again. It tickles me good to see this baby born into such a radiant love nest.
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