THEN AND NOW

deer been here

It's the first day of the new cycle according to the calendar, another round in the spiral through time, a Slinky of the mind that evidently runs out in a few years. Last year ran out yesterday, this year started today, adjoining days much alike in weather and temperature, not much difference. Same amount of snow on the ground. It's not melting from above, but from below. Temperature of the air seldom rises above 32, while the ground is not frozen and the bottom of footprints often touch a thin layer of slush. Now that the snow has shrunk it's easier to walk in. It's easy to drive in too. It has a dry crystalline quality that gives tires a little bit of grip and feet too. It's also so dry it doesn't manipulate well for snowballs or snow people.

I hear people talk about being glad 09 is over, it was a bad year, like that. I don't get it. For me, it was a great year. It was a year I was able to honor a friend I'd given my word I'd stay with him all the way. I never said, 'to the end,' because that didn't sound right. I said, I'm with him all the way, meaning to the end without saying it, and whatever it takes. It was a tremendous struggle with agencies determined to get him into a lumberyard for the old and useless, telling me I can't do it, not because they knew whether or not I could, because they were taking control and I was out. I don't think any of them ever gave thought to loyalty to a friend I'd given my word, and was there to do whatever I had to do, whatever it took.

What Jr and I went through in the last year is enough to bond us for lifetimes to come. There was a period of time it was an ongoing battle with these agencies that were determined to get me out of the picture and Jr under control in a facility. As long as I was living, it wasn't happening. A couple of times the dr put him in nursing home for physical therapy, but when his time was up, he was to go home, except the second one was determined not to let him go home.

That's when TJ had to go Xtreme and do what needed doing. I go about as the kind of guy that doesn't make waves, likes harmony, easy to get along with, for the most part. When Taurus the bull has had enough, nobody wants to make him tear down his pen to get at them. In a case like this, I was ready to go all the way, however far that was, as per my word to Jr. They were restricted by corporate rules and regulations, and I had none. I was in a place where only death could stop me, and I was willing to go that far. They went too far in their war against me and had to back off at a place where I was just getting started.

The Absentee Police, in hindsight a slapstick comedy, continued to harass, but were at a loss for what to do next, as Jr was signed out of the facility by his doctor and they couldn't do a thing about it. For a month, I was with him round the clock seeing I was going to have to hire someone to help out half a day or so a week to give me a little time. Also saw I didn't need the time and didn't want the time. Didn't like leaving him with someone who didn't know him well, or at all. I was there to keep his humanity intact, keep him able to make his own decisions for himself with help from someone he'd learned over a period of 7 years he could trust. What I wanted for him was someone he could trust. It wasn't only because I gave him my word as much as it was I meant it, the place where giving my word came from.

Scott Moncrief emailed me during the time I was considering what to do for help I'd need in near future. He'd been reading my indecision in a blog entry and suggested Hospice. I thought: Boing! Of course. A pinto bean to the head from God's slingshot. Thank you, Scott. I meant to email you my gratitude and it never got done. I'd think about it when driving, or generally away from the computer, then when I was doing emails, it didn't come up. That is commonplace here. It's not an exception. I've needed to write myself notes for a long time and haven't yet started. I'm so much like Jr in those kinds of ways, I'll never do it.

Along came Hospice. Angels sent from God. I'd see the car of one of the women from Hospice start up the driveway and it was the same as seeing an angel flying up the driveway like a human-sized white crow flapping big white wings. It was the same as letting an angel into the house and turning Jr over to her for celestial care. The next 3 months of assistance from Hospice were without a care where agency threats and Absentee Police machinations were concerned. It was a light-hearted time in that way. A serious stress lifted from me right away.

I felt like a samurai keeping the dogs off his dying friend. Finally, Jr was allowed to leave the body in his own bed, in his own home, in his own humanity. Thanks to all the people who have ever contributed money to Hospice, every organization, every grant. I knew about Hospice, but didn't know what they did. I thought it was to send somebody to be a friend while somebody's dying. No idea.

I didn't even feel it necessary to pray over Jr when his soul left the body. I sat beside him a little while and put my hand on top of his, which was still in the cooling down process with a little warm left in it. I did pray for him, of course, but didn't feel it was any need. I didn't need to call on God's attention. God was with us right there right then and knew better what was going on than I did, and better who he was receiving that I did. Perhaps I should start the new year looking ahead instead of back. Already, I know this coming year Jr will be in my mind a great deal of the time. I start the year a new me from last year's experience.