Made a quick round trip to town today. Didn't think to take camera. It's just as well. It's not easy to stop, pull off the side of the road, get out and go to where the picture was I saw, especially when the sides of the road are mounds of snow from the snowplow. It was a beautiful drive. It always is, any season, any time of day. Today the landscape was white with the black lines of bare trees, black cows in white meadow, trails running through the snow, the houses where people live their lives, some of them I know, most I don't. I notice driving by a house of people I know, I see their images in my mind's eye. Now that my life is slowing down, attention slowing down, no worries, mind not held by vain desires, ok with the world and everybody in it, not wanting anything somebody else has, my mind has cleared up remarkably. I've just noticed images in my head like they're new. They've always been there, my mind has been too cluttered with pressing issues. Now I have no pressing issues but to write here every day, but this is fun, it's recess. Here is where I deal with what's important to me, bring something up and examine it. It's much like the psychiatric couch, a place where I open up and let it flow, see where it goes, see what comes up, freewheeling, meandering in all directions like the Mississippi delta. Five years into writing every day, I've found from it the benefits said to go with journaling. I've found my thinking mind now thinks like when I'm writing. It's kind of like I'm writing all the time in my head, and it's fun. I like it a lot. I talk now the way I write. I write as I talk. It runs in a circle. Where therapy is concerned, I'd recommend it to someone seriously wanting to get to know self. I have such a better perspective of who I am since I've written it out nearly every day. Self-esteem has smoothed considerably like a shirt on an ironing board.
Self-consciousness in public does not require approval and has no problem with rejection. Of course, I automatically respond or react to approval or rejection, but the feeling passes and next moment it's gone. A wonderful aspect of awareness I'm in my last years is my response to approval or rejection is so what. I don't have enough time left to waste mental energy concerned with it. I don't have time to have emotional reactions to the corporate marionettes legislating us into police state while we watch every day on the news. We don't need editorial cartoons anymore. I'm glad to see the fall of the American Empire consumed by it's love for money is happening in my last years. I feel like I'm seeing it from afar, like in the last row of the top balcony in a gigantic auditorium. The actors on the stage are ants standing on their back legs, far away, like flying over an interstate, seeing the cars below like ants on their ant trails. It doesn't bother me to know we have no privacy. I don't recall ever believing we did. Phone tapping was a common paranoia in the 1950s. I've been aware of watching what I say on the phone all my life. At the start, I saw the internet snuff what little sense of privacy we had left. I stay out of other people's business and don't worry about somebody seeing my social security number. Anybody who wants to find it, can find it easily knowing where to go online. I like at amazon and netflix they profile me by my purchases and recommend items aimed specifically at what I go there for. Netflix almost never recommends something I want to see. Amazon is better, but not so good either. I only get ads and political articles on facebook that might be of interest to me. I hear the news and repeat what has become a mantra: What do I care? How can I care? Why would I care?
No longer do I have gut reactions, a wrenching stomach, seeing such ignorance in positions of power, knowing they are well paid puppets with long noses. They only make me laugh anymore. Since the corporate coup, intelligent people don't have the stomach for politics. Nobody with any sense would jump in the ring. It makes me question the ones that give the appearance of good sense. Gives cause for doubt. Appearance is their game. Appearance is what they do. I can't concern myself with them anymore. It has become so reasonable not to give them any attention, I question why I ever did. It's like growing up seeing Hollywood films only, then one day out of the blue, Fellini's La Dolce Vita. It opened a door to another world and I entered. Soon after, I read Camus' The Stranger, another door to a new world. There was no going back. I feel like I've come into a new place since letting go of giving attention to the false. Less of the negative thinking and feeling that goes with it. In another time I could have waxed opinionated about Nothin-yahoo addressing a republican congress to be a sharp stick in the eye of American negotiations with Iran, or whatever else is under the table, where the real action is. My guess is it will be comical in the international arena if Nutty actually does address republican congress. He knows actions have consequences. He's a bit too vulnerable to be snapping at the hand that feeds him. He struts his stuff and crows like a banty rooster, he's little but he's loud. He believes force solves problems to the point force becomes the problem.
It's more fun seeing them scripted by their "think tanks," following the directions of their strategists. Keeping their names and faces in the news (I don't care what you think of me as long as you remember my name). Such shallow people, shallow as the laptop screen they're projected on. Why give them my attention as anything but the cartoon page in the paper? I can read Chris Hedges and Billy Idol's autobiography and get much more from it, while enjoying it immeasurably more. Seems like my mind took a step toward clarity soon after I shut them out of my attention span. I can't avoid them on facebook and radio news, but they don't make me sick anymore. I just say to self, this is how it is now. It was this way in Will Rogers' time and in Mark Twain's time. It looks kinda ongoing. All the more reason to let them that want it have it. I see a new gaff Sarah Palin made and have to click on it for a laugh, though turn it off soon after she starts. I cannot listen to a full minute of her or Bill O'Reilly. I don't care that he lied about a story. He's scripted. He doesn't know if it's true or not. It's all fiction to him. My sense of O'Reilly is he's so self-involved he doesn't care what he says. It feels better in the inside not to be aggravated by the manipulation by way of propaganda. I see it as such and let it go. I've finally learned the construct in my head made from information picked up over years is made from false information. Poof. So why have a construct? Let it go by as false information and let that be all I need to know.