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Monday, November 9, 2009



TarBaby was dehydrated, white blood cells way up high, generally run down. Vet put him on an I V to get him going again. My belief that TarBaby drew energy from me appears to bear out. He was not only anxious the whole time I was gone, but lonesome. I want TarBaby to live at least awhile longer. Can't lose him now. Not a good time.

My inner plumber came in to play today. Had a pipe to take a T off the end of it and put a new one on. Then put in two pvc pipes at either end for the waterflow into the house. Now it's taking awhile for the water to build up in the pipe enough pressure to get up into the house. That's a day or 2 wait. There's no rush. No rush for anything. Every once in awhile I feel like doing something, but mostly don't.

First thing I noticed when I slept the first night in my bed, it wasn't near as comfortable as the floor. The bed is a cotton tick a couple inches thick on a 3/4" piece of plywood. After 2 nights on it, I didn't like it anymore. Yesterday I took the mattress off the bed and lay a blanket over the plywood. Excellent bed. Slept well.
At least the whole time I've lived in the mountains I've had in the back of my mind that I'd like to be able to sleep on a board and be comfortable. It's been a goal that I never thought about a lot. After 4 months of being comfortable on the floor, that little bit of cushioning on the bed didn't feel right any more.

Concerning TarBaby, I wonder how much he believed I had abandoned him. As Jr was weakening, he would occasionally be struck by fear that I'd left him when I'd be in the other room. I haven't thought of any effort on my part being a sacrifice in the care of Jr. But if TarBaby had died from it, that would indeed be a sacrifice. He didn't though, and he'll come home healthy in a day or 2.

I don't know if what I'm feeling is an emptiness or a stillness. It feels still within and empty too. I suppose empty would be still. It's not like I've lost something, just that I'm quiet inside and nothing much holds my interest for very long. A bit restless too. Even seeming a little separate from myself, like I watch myself do whatever I might be doing any given moment. Not in actuality, but in seeming.
Tomorrow is forecast all day rain. I think of looking at the rain through the 3 side-by-side windows at Jr's, having a panorama of the rain. I saw various winds with the rain, varying degrees of downpour. Sometimes the trees leaned way over. I find myself missing the habits of being in another place for an extended period of time, with all my own habits uprooted. It might be that I'm relaxing from day and night readiness at all times for anything.
It feels good to be home in one way, but I became as comfortable at Jr's as at home. In a way, it's like changing worlds. Moving from the world of Jr's mind into my own was abrupt with a three day cushion. I don't know where to start. So I don't start. Feel more like reading than watching a movie. Feel like taking less and less interest in what's going on out there, either direction down the road. It's good to have time to relax. I've an idea that for the rest of my life Jr's memory will be a guiding light. I'm different returning to the house from when I left it.

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